Food With Friends

No matter when I see you, day or night
Your phone is never out of sight
On the left or on the right
Your glance is drawn to the light
Every ping, ding, and ring is acknowledged
You’re so afraid you’ll miss some knowledge
But what you fail to see is you are losing me
I feel unimportant compared to the tones
And the bright light emanating from your phone
Yet when we are apart
My pings, dings, and rings go unanswered
It makes me feel so substandard
The hurt goes straight to my heart
Inside I’m falling apart
Your actions show how little you care
And I’m reminded of how life is unfair
For you are more to me than I am to you
This your actions have proven true
I should’ve just stayed home
For there I wouldn’t be staring at you
Staring at your phone
And still feel all alone……

I Want A New Friend

Created in 2016 with credit to “I want a New Drug” by Huey Lewis & the News

I want a new friend
One that won’t make me sick
One that won’t leave a scar
Or make me feel like I’ve been hit with a brick
 
I want a new friend
One that won’t hurt my head
One that won’t make me frown
Or make my eyes too red
 
One that won’t make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m chillin’
When I’m chillin’ out happy and not blue
 
I want a new friend
One that is so chill
One that don’t bitch too much
Or becomes a big pill

I want a new friend
One that won't go away
One that won't want to fight
One that won't find anything nasty to say

One that won’t make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m chillin’
When I’m chillin’ out happy and not blue

I want a new friend
One that does what they say they would
One that won't make me feel too sad
One that won't make me feel too mad

I want a new friend
One with no doubt
One that won't make me cry too much
One that won’t spill all my secrets out

One that won’t make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m chillin’
When I’m chillin’ out happy and not blue
 

Rest

Now I lay me down to rest

I think about how I failed the test

Life tests me every day

From failure I can’t get away

It is the same thoughts every night

My mind is in a constant fight

To give up, to give in

I wish I could because I know I’ll never win

But that’s another failure of mine

Too chicken to end this daily grind

I muddle through daily tasks

Always wearing some sort of mask

No one knows the real me

Not even I can see

This limbo no one should endure

Melancholy has no cure

So when I put my head to rest

I can’t help but to think of all of life’s mess

I wonder if there’s anyone there

I wonder if anyone cares

I hope that I have a soul

And I’m not just an empty hole

I think about how life would be

And if anyone would really miss me

I shed a tear and close my eyes

I silently whisper my good byes

I hope death comes while I sleep

For this heartache I can no longer keep

Disowned

In all these years we barely spoke

I’m sure my life to you was a joke

Innocence I never claimed

But hatred was not my game

I wished you cared enough to clear the air

To explain how you thought you were fair

Yet you couldn’t cross the line you drew in the sand

‘Cause that would make you a different man

It was your line, you pushed me over

A little girls love you so easily rolled over

You broke my heart, tore it apart

You made sure there was nothing to restart

Your life there, mine here

Never holding out hope

That our family would reconstruct

I knew I was out of luck

The separation you wanted was the only thing that was clear

Making me wonder if you ever held me dear…….

Uncle

I remember the days when I was young

Going to your house was so much fun

Playing upstairs or in the yard

Having fun was never hard

The sleepovers and starry night adventures

Are memories I have always treasured

Then arrived the stormy weather

Those days I was too young to remember

The who’s, what’s, where’s, how’s, and why’s

Are all things I cannot recognize

What I do remember clearly

Is the feeling of being cast aside so severely

It wasn’t fast, but slow

It only made the pain grow

Gone was all the fun

Our starry night adventures were done

Everything disappeared

Including your smile, the twinkle in your eye when I neared

You chose someone else to take my place

You chose not to see my face

On a pedestal you put her

For me it was a painful blur

No one ever explained

To this day I don’t know the cause of your disdain

All I know is that you caused me pain

And that I have never been the same

I hope you’re at peace with your choices

Now that you can no longer hear any voices

For it is you that has to reconcile

The loss of family……………

………………………and my smile.

Looks And Whispers

Listen, I don’t have a problem with anyone.

Not you, or you, or even you!

But it’s obvious I don’t fit.

I feel ostracized where ever I sit.

A few roll their eyes when I talk.

Some bump me when they walk.

They turn their backs to me and whisper.

Snakes tongues – they slither.

Why are they so bitter?

Is it my looks, my tone, my color?

Am I sus in some way?

Is there anything reassuring I can say?

My mere presence seems to offend.

I really don’t understand.

I’m here the same as them.

No better – I feel – in opportunity.

To work hard and succeed in our community.

The takeaway, the gist.

The painful lesson that always seems to exist.

I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

Not everyone’s a friend to me.

She Stood

She stood in disbelief as he walked out the door. Tears streamed down her face. She paced. She had no clue what to do. She stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the dining room looking at the back door from which he just left.

She stood in disbelief as the policemen walked in her front door. Tears streamed down her face. She paced. She had no clue what to do. She didn’t hear a word. She stood in the doorway between the hallway and the living room looking into the kitchen and at the back door from which he left.

She stood in disbelief as people filed passed her. No tears fell down her face. She didn’t pace. She had no clue what to do. She stood, accepting condolences and listening to stories that brought others joy, picturing the back door from which he left.

She stood in disbelief as everyone walked slowly to their cars. Tears once again fell down her face. She didn’t pace, she didn’t move. She had no clue what to do. She stood, in silence – head lowered and shoulders hunched, looking into the deep dark hole and picturing the back door from which he left.

She stood in disbelief in the front yard of those she called family. She wiped away her tears. She walked slowly to the front door. She had no clue what to do. She walked in, silently, and watched people talk, mingle, eat, and laugh. She stood against the wall and looked through the living room into the kitchen at a back door he once used and sighed.

She stood in disbelief outside on the porch looking the back door. Tears once again flowing freely down her face. Hand on the doorknob, shaking. She couldn’t move. She had no clue what to do. With a deep breath she opened the door. She walked over the threshold into their home, alone. The first of many times to come, she realized.  Closing the door, the room enveloped her. In that instance she became so aware of the vast emptiness of her soul. She turned and stared at the back door from which he left.

 She stood.